Okay! Man, this project is a lot of work.
In addition to my alt.com profile, I have one up on the Salon.com personals section. That’s the actual, legitimate profile, for which I am holding out some hope. It’s all filled out and includes a picture and everything. In a somewhat bizarre turn of events, Salon’s personals engine (FastCupid, I believe) is the same one alt.com uses. So I kept expecting to be asked for my thoughts on anal play, and was dreading the four-page checklist. Fortunately, Salon doesn’t seem to have enabled that particular plugin.
Sadly, my ad on Salon has elicited only one response — predictably, from a man. Their e-mail engine dumps inappropriate e-mails (i.e., responses from people who don’t match your requirements) into a filtered folder, so I almost missed this one. It’s from a guy who feels there is a lot to digest in my profile, but he wanted to say hi while he did so. I don’t get what he’s digesting — perhaps the fact that I’m looking for a WOMAN? How difficult a concept is that to grasp?
Apparently the answer is very, particularly on alt.com. My profile’s been up for three days now, and I have not received any pictures of anyone’s cock. So I guess that’s a step up from the last time I tried this. I did, however, get a message from a guy who attempted to lure me over the fence with the following line: “i know i got the wrong part you like to lick but i like your hair stile to much and the glasses too.”
Out of morbid curiosity, I checked out his profile, but it seriously was not readable. Trying gave me a headache (“im looking for some one to shear pleaser with both hers and mine”). His tagline is, “will you obay or will you get spanked,” which, I don’t know — is “obay” like ebay for bdsm gear?
My plan when I started this was not necessarily to post snippets people could use to identify others, me, or themselves (you know, if my blog becomes super-famous), but my own words just couldn’t convey the horror. And I think I’m still reasonably safe.
Anyway. I have also received one soft-core porn story that involves me kneeling at someone’s feet and getting fed chocolate. The guy chickened out, though, and it fades to black. Which, man, if you’re going to do it, do it. And somehow it took him 700 words before he even got to the fading. There’s a lot of, “we kiss deeply. Then we kiss even more deeply. Then I run my hands down your arms, kissing you deeply.” I get it, okay? You’re into kissing deeply. Great.
So I added a line in my profile saying that under no circumstances should anyone send me bad porn or pictures of cock (which, I suppose, could be the same thing). I realize that defeats the purpose of the mocking, but part of this experiment is seeing if anyone will actually pay attention. I plan to put up a few more profiles on alt.com to see what happens. I expect comedy gold. One of the things I’m really curious about is — these guys who send stories? Do they send the same one to everyone who remotely matches their interests? Or do they tailor them to individual profiles? I’m not sure which option I find more terrifying.
Other stuff going on in my ULIL world includes dealing with posts on Craigslist (actual response: “I know you said you were looking for a woman, but would you consider a man? Perhaps with a double-ended dildo?”), which could easily be a full-time job in itself. I also have had a profile on okcupid for ages, but it’s gotten very little traffic; I get maybe one e-mail a month. I added a picture last night, and have got 10 e-mails in the last 24 hours. So I guess they’re not lying about the fact that profiles with pictures get more hits. None of the responses, however, have been remotely interesting (either in a legitimate-response sort of way, or a good-for-mocking sort of way).
Stay tuned! Tomorrow I will be delving into the CL stuff.
Posted by luckless 
