bizarro world

When I was in high school, I dated a boy who fancied himself An Artist. One day, I was in some random kitschy store, and saw a little plaque that said, “just because no one understands you, it doesn’t mean you’re an artist.” I bought it for him. We broke up shortly thereafter, though I like to think the reason were unrelated. (There was a different boy, and also a girl.)

ANYWAY. This concept of incoherency not necessarily equalling Great Artistic Vision? I think someone needs to explain it to the boys of Craigslist. The responses lately have just been downright weird. I mean, I like to think that I am smarter than your average bear, and I feel like I’ve been somehow transported to a bizarro planet where I am a moron and it’s perfectly okay to say things like, “proper grammer doesn’t believe in underwear and is all in on skirt.”

…bzuh?

Also, from the same boy: “Cause I have to be honest I sort of paired the puppy down, gneutered even, but def spade.”

There is the boy who asked me about pinochle: “Trump is spades. Your partner takes the trick. You’ve a ten, king, jack of spades, both jacks of diamonds and an ace of hearts. What do you send?”

Is this a trick to see if I actually know how to play pinochle? The absolute only way to answer that question correctly is a long rant on the rules of pinochle, or at the very least with about seven more questions (what led? who took the bid? what suit is the ten? wtf do you mean, what do I send? To whom? And why am I sending anything if we’re already taking tricks? WE ARE NOT PLAYING PINOCHLE, ARE WE?!).

Sorry. We take pinochle seriously in my family.

Moving on! To the boy who wrote to say that he likes every single sexual position. He also went out of his way to assure me that he has been with more than a few women and therefore knows what he’s about in the sack. However, he is far from being a man whore. I kind of want to tell him that I am actually a man whore.

There is the boy who wrote to say that he wants a relationship like the one Paul and Jaime had on Mad About You. Oh — one where they get divorced? Sign me up! (Although the more I think about it — maybe they got back together after a separation? I just remember them not being together in the series finale, but it’s possible there was a happily-ever-after epilogue sort of ending that I’m not quite remembering. Which sort of defeats the snark, but not entirely!)

I also like the boy who wrote and said that I could not ever introduce him to my parents because he is likely to feel up my mother and beat up my father. Also, he would like to “breed.”

On the plus side, none of these guys sent cock pictures. I can’t decide if that is good or bad, because I feel they probably would have been exceptionally strange cocks, and I’m always curious about that sort of thing. But I guess that’s why I read Warren Ellis.